If you throw a rock in San Francisco, chances are good you'll hit a DJ.

There are a shit-ton of DJs in this town, but having a bunch of music and a sound system does not make you a good one. There are certain skills involved: An ability to read a crowd, mix well and at the very least, a capacity to create a specific mood. The sad truth is there are too many DJs who simply don't have it.

What's even sadder are the countless fools who think that they know any better. That they, the drunks on the dance floor, really know what's up and because of this will have no qualms about telling the DJ exactly what they think.

Don't get me wrong – I realize there are a lot of lame DJs that truly do need to be told what's up. But anyone with a smidgen of musical taste can discern between the shit DJs and the cock-rockin' selectors that make this world a better place.

The DJ is not a human jukebox. The DJ is not there to serve your individual needs but instead, to create an atmosphere that serves the entire crowd at large. Thus, there is a certain protocol that must be maintained at all times.

The following are examples are of what NOT to ask a DJ. All are real questions that have been asked of several Bay Area DJs I queried in this highly scientific survey.

Can you turn it down?
Um, no, I cannot turn it down. It's beyond my capabilities to control the volume. Can you lower your voice while shouting inane phrases to the person standing next to you? Thanks.

What do you have that I might like?
While I pride myself on my ability to read people, I can't read minds. I wish I could. But I'm just not evolved enough yet to do so. Why not just trust that I might turn you onto something you didn't know about? Or why not just trust that I'm gonna do my job?

Can I look through your records/CDs?
Yeah, that's I want, some drunk pawing through my music, spilling drinks on my rare vinyl and asking me to play Michael Jackson because it's your significant other’s birthday.

What kind of music do you play?
This is a valid question when I am not behind the decks, but otherwise, why not just open your ears and check out what I'm playing?

Do you know that one song by that one guy that's really popular?
Oh yeah, that one song. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'll see if I can fit that in.

Where's your turntables?
I'm not a purist. I play music that fits a particular moment on whatever format I have available. Having a big stack of vinyl without knowing what to do with it is much worse than playing CDs all night. And frankly, technology has improved. You can spin just as easily with a CD now as you can with vinyl. Sure, there's a bit of a loss from a tactile perspective, but somehow, I still get by. If you like the music that's being played, what does it matter which format it is? Get a grip.

I've brought my bongos with me. Can I plug into your mixer and play along?
Oh man, I thought I was missing something. Now I realize what it is: Stoned hippies lamely attempting to add some earthiness to the vibe with off-tempo bongo playing. Yeah, that's the magic I was searching for, thanks!

I have a copy of my band's CD with me. Maybe you can play some tracks? People will be into it!
Sure, no problem, just as long as I can bring my turntables along to your next gig and play along to your band's music. People will be into it!

I'm a DJ too and I happened to bring along my records with me. If you need a break, would you mind if I jumped on for a few minutes?
Who in their right mind would show up at a party or club with their records hoping to "jump on the decks"? There's a thing called tact and respect. Hovering next to me with a desperate look on your face is beyond uncool. Go get your own gig.

Are you taking requests?
Sure, I've been at a loss back here trying to figure out what to play. I'm sure you have the perfect song to capture the mood right now. Oh please, please, turn me on to your wisdom so I can please the masses. I'm lost without you.

Got any hip-hop?
No, sorry, I only throw down the gospel shiznit. If I wanted to play hip-hop, don't you think I'd be playing it?

Got any [band currently being played]?
Yes, I do, but I can't play that artist because of moral reasons. You understand. In the meantime, you should check out this track I'm playing right now. You might be into it.

Can I get on the mic for a minute?
Sure, I really feel like this track needs some drunk-ass shouting 'wave your hands in the air, wave 'em like you just don't care!' Man, you got some skills on the mic!

Can you play something I can dance to?
This is pretty much the ultimate dis to a DJ and is, by far, the most common thing every DJ has been asked. What do you say to that? "Um, no, I can't play anything you can dance to. I'm all about laying down some hardcore new age ambient shit, you feel me?"

Tim Pratt (timmmip@yahoo.com) is a fascinating writer, a titillating speaker, and a damn fine DJ who just needed to vent a little. Tim enjoys Boxing Day, lemons in his Corona, chocolate pudding, cool jackets, and the word “cuddlebutt,” which he recently made up. He lives and wears his cool jackets in the Mission. Experience the magic at timpratt.blogspot.com.